untitled

I feel varying degrees of conflict at what my goals in life are. To succeed? To be happy? To be content? To be loved?

In some ways I am very much thankful for having a relatively smooth sailing and uneventful life – super thankful for all that I have right now and yes, I do know that I should be content for what God has given to me.

I still feel incapable though???? It’s an inexplicable feeling of being unable to do so many things, and to achieve the many desirable aspects of life that’s offered to us humans. Again, it’s like how I know that the chances of me entering law/med are virtually zero, that the chances of me achieving straight distinctions at the A levels are downward plunging negative numbers.

I don’t want/have to be extremely successful or capable as an adult – all I want is to be happy, and that through what I like.

No person/guidebook explicitly states that you have to get straight A’s to lead a desirable life. It’s this feeling of again, of an incapacity to do well, to be the perfect ideal of a perfect individual. That isn’t a must, that isn’t even possible duh. Yet, why settle for B, when there’s an A? (sounds darn stupid i know) what a bloody ineluctable fate we all are destined to live.

I just feel that society doesn’t permit for mediocrity, that society shall excoriate the mediocre???? That I won’t be able to get a job that I’m interested in, whether to be a journalist, a lawyer (latest aspiration), a school teacher etcetc, if I don’t exhibit the required straight A grades. And by extension, I’ll be unhappy.

Sorry about my dreary whining 😦

I’m feeling bloody insecure about fulfilling expectations, and am so, sososo tired of “just work hard” being repated incessantly again and again. What should I say then? Pure genius. I never knew about working hard! What a revelation! Now I’ll work hard – and instantly be perfect!

Bullcrap.

Ugh do pardon my incoherent rambling.

cue mega heaving sigh

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